


Sorry I'm Not Strong Enough

by Atrailis



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Near Future, Unhappy Ending, post team return speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 07:34:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13095414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Atrailis/pseuds/Atrailis
Summary: Two years post the return of the team from space, Jemma receives a video message.





	Sorry I'm Not Strong Enough

Her eyes opened slowly, the only light in the room coming from a small night light on the desk, the pale light enough to illuminate the clock and ceiling above. Blinking to clear her eyes, she noticed the bed’s other occupant had curled into a ball facing away from her. 

 

Brushing away a few strands of loose hair, she rolled to the side, taking in the time on the clock and reaching for her phone. She started to move quicker, trying not to disturb her sleeping companion as the clock indicated almost noon. A good four hours after she had been intending to start work for the day. 

 

Panic started to set in, she shouldn’t have overslept, not again. She was successful in quietly trying to rearrange her hair, retrieve her shoes and get out before her companion awoke. 

 

Hopefully, she would get to her office before anyone could see her, and if her luck held no one would notice that her clothes were wrinkled and the same as the previous day. Though few people ever came to talk to her, somehow her subordinates managed to get approvals, submit reports and have their problems solved without interacting with her, the department head. Not that she minded, it gave her time to try and organise her thoughts, try to make sense of her life.

 

Slumping into her office chair, she noticed that her phone was blinking away with unread notifications, she realised the phone had been blinking for a while. When did she get so unobservant? Since when did she oversleep so often? And another thought, why was she always in her office now, when was the last time she had done any real work in the lab?

 

The phone blinked away. She stared at it, almost uncomprehendingly, she knew she should look at the notifications but she found herself just watching the blinking light at the top of the phone. The steady rhythm of the light was soothing and constant.

 

After a few minutes, she forced herself to activate the phone screen. Notifications flooded the screen. Tapping in her passcode, she started to filter through them.

 

There were a series of messages from Coulson. The first came four hours ago, requesting a meeting to discuss the disposition of the science and engineering division. The next one was timestamped an hour later, again stating that the meeting needed to occur today and as soon as possible. This continued for several messages, each becoming more terse until the final one stated that the meeting would be in Coulson’s office at 1400 hrs. She quickly typed in a reply, stating that she would be there and asking if there was any information she should be bringing. The meeting request had caught her unaware, she couldn’t remember the last time such a meeting had occurred. 

 

There were several department requisition requests for her to authorise, two requests for leave and numerous other administrative missives. Had the world gone mad this morning, she never had this many requests to deal with and more worryingly she didn’t recognise several of the names either.

 

Something had her off kilter, more than usual these days, the last two years had been a chaotic blur since returning from their ordeal. She didn’t feel herself but she would move forward, she wouldn’t be pulled down by anything. She is Doctor Jemma Simmons, Head of Science and Engineering for the current form of SHIELD, active operations team member and a survivor of numerous hellish ordeals. She would conquer this feeling, just like everything else. At least, that’s what she hoped for and expected of herself.

 

The administrative messages were marked for future attention, they should be straightforward to deal with and she didn’t want to be caught out by any other messages relevant to her meeting with Coulson at 1400. She noticed the time, it was 1315 already, how long had she sat there looking at the light?

 

The next message was from a company, Mockingbird Securities. She didn’t recognise the company but when she opened it she realised it was from Bobbi Morse. She read the message, it was confusing to say the least, hadn’t Bobbi been working with SHIELD again? When did she become CEO of Mockingbird Securities? What was Mockingbird Securities? She would have to look into it, maybe ask Hunter or Fitz, but neither had said anything had they? The content was short, it told her not to react immediately and to give things time. And that Bobbi and Hunter were making sure he was being taken care of. Hunter was gone as well? When did that happen? And what should she give time for, and who would be getting taken care of?

 

Why was everything so confusing at the moment? Why couldn’t she have woken up earlier and not have to deal with this all at once?

 

She looked at the time, 1325, another 35 minutes before her meeting and Coulson hadn’t replied with any indication of what she would need for the meeting.

 

The last message was from Fitz, a small smile graced her lips, wondering what her partner was sending her first thing in the morning. Wait, why hadn’t he said anything this morning? Wasn’t he still asleep when she left?

 

Then she remembered, she hadn’t been with him this morning, again she had found herself in another room, they didn’t have a night light in their room. Groaning, she held her head in her hands, did she want to look at it? Now, before her meeting.

 

She decided she had time to look at it, she opened the message. It contained a video link, which she activated with a trembling finger.

 

The screen went briefly black, then flooded with a gray wall, she recognised the shelving along it, it was their room. 

 

* * *

 

Fitz appeared on the video, clad in a dark blue top, unbuttoned at the top revealing a black t-shirt underneath. All of which highlighted his pale appearance, his skin almost translucent on the video, save for the blotches around his eyes. Evidently something was upsetting him.

 

He began to talk, his voice subdued, his eyes dark with turmoil:

 

_ ‘Hi, Jemma, my love. _

 

_ I love you, Jemma Simmons, never forget that I love you and always will. _

 

_ Do you remember back when we were partners, proper partners, equals pushing each other to be better? I do, I loved those days, even before I realised that I loved you, those were exhilarating times in the lab, even in the early days on the Bus before everything went all skew-whiff and cock-eyed.  _

 

_ I’m sorry, I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough, I’m sorry I don’t have your resilience or strength, I’m sorry I’ve failed you. I’m sorry that we aren’t those equal partners anymore.’ _

 

His voice hitched, his eyes glazed with unshed tears, as he continued:

 

_ ‘I wish I could be like you, my hero, every time something happened you bounced back, you grew, you gained new confidence, skills and exposed that brilliance even more. I didn’t, I couldn’t, every time something was taken from me I struggled to go on, the brain damage, your loss, the Framework, every time you rose to the challenge and I just existed or fell. You went undercover, you survived another planet, you saved us from the Framework and then you survived the future. I just wish I could help you now, but I guess I just am not able enough, not good enough. I’m sorry for a lot of things. ‘ _

 

Then his voice grew sharper, his eyes clouding:

 

_ ‘I won’t be sorry that I love you, I won’t be sorry about wanting the best for you but at the same time as I am sorry for a lot of things I am angry at you. For all your strength and resilience, you always took the choice that kept you safe rather than holding onto hope for us. And while I do understand and I try to put myself in your shoes, I just can’t reconcile it, I never gave up, even when everyone told me I should I never gave up on you. And I know it’s not fair, but guess what life isn’t fair, and emotions are emotions for good or ill, but there is a pattern with you and I. You leave, you come back, you shield yourself, it’s torturous, I suffer with it and you won’t let me help. _

 

_ The pattern re-emerged after we retrieved you two years ago, and continues to this day, and now it isn’t just you it is the whole team, Coulson, May, Mack, Elena, Daisy and you. You all isolate yourselves from everyone else and only talk with each other, I don’t even think you realise it most of the time. I know that things were difficult and I thought maybe things changed after those first three months of reacclimation you all had in quarantine and recovery when you decided to move in with me. But then it started again. _

 

_ I know you leave our room each night, I know that you spend nights in the rooms of the others, that you all meet up with each other cutting out everyone else. That you all won’t let us help you. It hurts me, I know you are hurting, but you can’t ignore everyone else, I lead the damned recovery effort and you won’t let me help you. Hell, do you even know that none of you even thanked the team that helped get you back.’ _

 

His voice had soften again, his eyes still shimmered with tears:

 

_ ‘You all refused to work with the therapists we got for you, you all decided that you were all able to deal with it yourselves. You all closed ranks and cut off everyone else, then when you decided you came back to work, essentially wanting to slot straight back in. And I think that is where we failed you all greatly, we shouldn’t have let you fall back in like that. You all refused to work with other teams or staff, every mission had to be your team and your team alone when it was deployed. Your team broke trust with the rest of the company, you cut out me, you cut out Bobbi and Lance as well. They came back to help, they helped keep us afloat during awkward times and what thanks did they get? You and your team locking them out, locking out people that we depended on. _

 

_ You all acted as if you were the only ones to have problems, that as you were back everyone should fall in line with how you worked and everything had to adapt to you. And stupidly we let it happen, we were so worried about you all that we didn’t realise that we had created an even bigger problem.’ _

 

His voice got even quieter:

 

_ ‘I don’t know how many times I tried to help you, or even just let you talk to me or at me or to let you rage at me but you kept telling me I couldn’t understand what happened to you, that I couldn’t help and only the others could understand and help. That you didn’t want my help forced upon you. But still I stayed, I didn’t know how to do anything else, even as I was locked out of you and the team, as you all isolated yourselves from everyone else I stayed.’ _

 

Then his anger returned:

 

_ ‘Even as I was helping to recover you, I was trying to cope with the Framework aftermath, trying to cope that I wasn’t with you all and then when you all came back you showed no interest in helping me, your problems were all consuming for you all, Mack seemed to have got over his framework issues, May too but I didn’t get the time to deal with it and even as I tried to help you and was rebuffed, you all showed no inclination to even ask me. _

 

_ If it weren’t for Bobbi and Lance, I would have been completely alone, only through those two and a therapist they brought in for me was I able to cope. They cared, they suffered from you all isolating yourselves but we helped each other, we sought professional help. I was trying to process the equivalent of two lifetimes of memories in my head, for the first few months I was confused as to if something happened here or in the Framework and they kept me grounded, even after we recovered you I still had issues but even as I suggested that we discuss each others problems, you belittled me, told me that my problems were just an artifact of a program gone rogue, but you forget that those experiences were in the brains and had real world consequences, need I remind you of Mace. The pain, the memories and the consequences still live within us. They were real in that they were experienced in a visceral manner. _

 

_ Eventually I’ve managed to overcome it, through hard work and not shutting myself off, but none of you noticed, you were all too busy with each other. Even social occasions we were locked out of. When I asked you to go somewhere you said you didn’t feel up to it. Then a few hours later I find out that you went out with the team.  _

 

_ Once Bobbi, Lance and I happened to be somewhere you ended up. I saw you drinking and laughing with the team, dancing with them. I thought if that’s what it takes to bring you back then so be it but it hurt, you were lying to me.’ _

 

His voice fell into resigned tones:

 

_ ‘You all weren’t adapting back to the new situation, you didn’t want to acknowledge the changes that had occurred since they were taken. None of you even wondered how we were funded, we are now a subsidiary agency with a vastly curtailed budget yet you all never blinked an eye about how we could afford our staff and all the equipment, particular the volume of equipment that your team went through in comparison to others. None of you asked how Bobbi, Lance, I and a few others had got the agency back up and running and kept afloat. Then after three months you all decided you should be active. You all practically demanded to be returned to active status in your old roles. And again we failed you, we caved as we thought it may bring you back. I thought it would help us, that the light in your eyes would return when you looked at me as we worked together. _

 

_ But none of you really took over the jobs fully, you wielded the authority but lacked the detail. Bobbi was still doing a lot of Coulson’s job before she left, Lance was still doing a lot of the details which should have been Daisy or May and up until this video, I’ve being doing almost all of your job as head of the science and engineering division. Do you realise in the two years you’ve been back, you’ve spent maybe five days in the lab and are either on a team mission or holed up in your office doing who knows what? I’m not sure any of you have a concept of the time people have spent covering for you. Because you all isolated yourselves, the scientists and engineers came to me, operations teams went to Lance and everyone went to Bobbi. Up until they left, I thought we may be able to pull it off and ease you all back in. I was wrong, after they left, people come to me or one of the people Bobbi and Lance hired in, they don’t want to talk to the original team, they don’t respect you all. You’ve given them little reason to. _

 

_ You have to know by now that I love you, more than anything, but I’ve been strung out trying to keep you all afloat, our Oversight group came to me when it needed information, not Coulson, it comes to me for the science reports, not you, the last ops reports were put in by Lance.’ _

 

His ire raised again:

 

_ ‘And as much as I love you, you have to stop trying to sneak around, slipping into the rooms of others, spending the night with them, either make a choice and live with it or stop. It’s not just you it is your whole team. You all act like you are able to sneak around, but people notice and it lessens their opinion of you all. And tell Daisy to stop fucking about with the security systems, she isn’t up-to-date on them and the only reason she isn’t being pulled up about it is that I kept the authority figures off her. _

 

_ Because I want you to do well, to recover, please start trusting others again, the other operatives need to know they can rely on you to follow a plan either in the field or the lab. On a personal note for you, get back in the lab, you don’t know the staff and they don’t know you, but they know your reputation as a scientist. Get in there and show them it is all true. _

 

_ And just so you know, I know it was you who had me removed from the active team roster six months ago.’ _

 

The video shows him holding up a printout of a report with the signatures of her and Coulson.

 

_ ‘This report signed by you and Coulson states that I am not currently fit to handle the rigours of field assignment and should be restricted to base activities. You both knowingly benched me even though there were missions suiting my skill-set. And don’t think I don’t realise you wanted until both Bobbi and Lance left before you did this. You knew they would have fought it and won. Initially I had thought you had realised that my hand tremors had flared up on occasion over the last two years, but then realise that you hadn’t observed me enough to notice. Bobbi had noticed, Lance noticed and both ensured I did my therapy exercises regularly, they still do. _

 

_ And who were you two to decide to bench me, who do you think was dealing with missions while we were trying to recover you? Who do you think was running missions while you were all essentially useless in recovery for three months when you returned? The tooth fairy, the magical mercenary grapevine? _

 

_ We had no budget for that, and just so someone knows, Bobbi and I made a deal with Stark’s company to get additional funding for us. It is mostly good for SHIELD but Bobbi and I owe Stark big time and we are still working it off, but the deal is good for the next five years so Coulson should be able to sort out something to replace it by then.’ _

 

His shoulders slumped, his head dipped onscreen:

 

_ ‘I’m sorry, Jemma, I really am and I don’t mean to dump all this on you alone, so Coulson and the others are getting a report from Bobbi, Lance and I with some recommendations and proposals for you to get SHIELD in a better position. _

 

_ I’m sorry for what I’m going to be doing, for my decision and how it may hurt you. I thought I could help you, I thought I could help bring you back to the scientist I knew but I’m not enough, I don’t think I can do this anymore. I’ve been trying to keep things going for two years now and it’s destroying me, I don’t know where I begin and end anymore. I’m sorry you feel you can’t trust me anymore, that you all feel you can’t trust anyone but yourselves.  _

 

_ I’ve watched you drive away everyone who has been instrumental in getting you home, in helping you run SHIELD, or more accurately running it for you all. Coulson managed to drive Bobbi away, we brought her in as a stable leader, someone who knew both sides of the agency and someone we could respect and be commanded by. May, Daisy and Mack managed to drive Lance away. _

 

_ And I just can’t take being frozen out anymore, I can’t take the distance between us, the workload, that you abused your position as my boss to control my activities on the active teams with a faked report. I was so proud when you were made head of science, you were always better with people and organisation on top of the science, I never could do the job as well as you but the faked report and your lack of input in the lab has shocked me to the core. _

 

_ I can’t take that you won’t touch me, that you sneak away from me and lie to me, that you won’t even attempt to let me help you, that you run to Daisy, Mack, Elena and the others for comfort. I’m sorry I’m not strong enough this time to stand there and take it. I can’t take the looks from the others when I attempt to approach you, I don’t know why they think I’m an interloper. Though I’m no psychologist, I have been reading on how shared events can create bonds between people and while these bonds can be beneficial they can quickly turn toxic as the group becomes insular and distrustful of outsiders. This is why we tried to get you to work with therapists, that they could mitigate the negative aspects. _

 

_ More than anything else, though I love you completely, I have to stop defining myself by you. I’ve followed where you led from day one, you’ve made almost every major decision about us, as long as I was able to do my work and be with you I have never and will never care that you were promoted up the chain or that you were the better agent because I’m an engineer and a scientist. I’d have been happy sharing a lab forever with you. But everything I’ve done other that last years was for you. I love you but now I need to work out who I am as this is crushing me and you just don’t seem to realise or care. _

 

_ I’m leaving Jemma, hopefully all of you will soon snap out of this group dependency to something more healthy, that you will learn to trust outside the group again. I fear that if I stay it will be a reminder of things that have gone before, I don’t know maybe you all blame me for taking too long to get you back. Maybe you all think I’m not good enough, that I’m not worthy of your team as I was left behind while you were all chosen.’ _

 

He looks up at the camera, a forlorn look on his face:

 

_ ‘I’m going to join Bobbi at her company, Mockingbird Securities, a private security company, she started eight months ago after she left due to Coulson. She is making a real go of it, with some good corporate and government contracts. Lance works with her part time since he left; he helps train her operatives and occasionally does a specialist job for her. He has also started a business, doing landscaping and gardens. It may sound strange, but he decided he want to do something more than the violence, secrecy and killing. He got into it when he redid their garden, I hope you remember that Bobbi and he are back together, so he looked into it and he has hired several workers. Almost all of them military veterans, almost all of them missing limbs. We have been working on getting them decent prosthetics, not quite like Coulson’s hand but something suitable for them. _

 

_ I’m joining Bobbi as her technical engineer, doing roughly what I’ve been doing for the last few years but not having to pick up everyone’s slack.’ _

 

The last bit had a bitter tone to it, the tiredness becoming evident physically and verbally as his tone turns apologetic again:

 

_ ‘I’m sorry, Jemma, love. You deserve the best in life and I’m sorry that I just seem unable to give it to you. That you can’t let me help you and I can’t just sit waiting anymore as you hurt me with lies and actions. I’m really sorry that I’m leaving. _

 

_ I bought that cottage you wanted in Perthshire, I originally got it in both our names but I’ve signed it all over to you now. You should receive notification in the next week or so. I’ll ensure that you do. It’s yours to use however and whenever you want, it is yours and yours alone, I have no residual claim upon it.’ _

 

_ He tried to cheer up a little, but it fell flat as he continued: _

 

_ ‘I suppose this is a little like a divorce and you got everything: the house, the lab, the team. Sorry, that was in poor taste, all I ever seem to be is sorry. _

 

_ Will you call your parents? They are worried about you and you’ve hardly spoken to them, and my reassurances are getting old for them. Just talk to them, maybe they can be that help you need. You need your family, Jemma and they need you.’ _

 

He straightened in front on the camera he looked into:

 

_ ‘I’m so sorry, Jemma, for everything I’ve done wrong by you, for everything I should have done but didn’t, for not being strong enough to stay, for not being strong enough to do this in person. _

 

_ I have three loves in my life, Jemma. _

 

_ My mother, rest her soul, who raised me and believed in me. I miss her more each day, as I don’t know if you remember that she passed away nine months ago. She was more than I deserved and everything I needed. _

 

_ Science is my second love, the one that showed me the wonder of the workings of reality. That allows me to involve myself in the world and to help people. The puzzles and conundrums, the theories and applications are like my sonnets and ballads.  _

 

_ And you, Jemma, you are my greatest and last love. The woman who changed my life, who brought joy to a lonely man, who challenged me to be better and who holds my heart and my soul forever. _

 

_ Jemma, I will always love you, never doubt that, there will never be anyone else for me ever, you are my last love.  _

 

_ Jemma, live your life, live and love as you want, free yourself, find yourself.’ _

 

He kisses his fingers, presses them to the lens, the tears finally falling from his eyes:

 

_ ‘Goodbye, my love, my Jemma, my hero.’ _

 

* * *

 

The video ends on a black screen.

 

She sits frozen looking into the black screen - looking at her own reflection.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Just note - this is not an anti-anyone fiction - its just an idea and trauma can have many effects.
> 
> Any comments just add them.


End file.
